she should know better

My psychologist that is. She was going to be out of the clinic on Friday so instead of an appointment she scheduled me for a phone appointment. Friday came & Friday went - surprise surprise no phone call. She is well aware that I just cannot deal with that happening - afterall it happened only over Easter & I flipped out then. My instinct tells me to call the crisis number I have, where I know she will find out I called. My problem with that, apart from the fact that it is likely to end up with me in hospital gain given my suicidal ideation of late, but I know that it would be doing it out of manipulation, to get her attention, rather than because I am geniunely in crisis.

It really doesn't do anything to help my love/hate relationship with her. Most of the time, she is great. The problem comes about in those times when she isn't there. She is often away from work sick, or on holidays. It seems she has about 12 weeks off a year in holidays. Then there is the sick leave. It happens all too regularly that she is away for a week or more at a time sick. The phone message is always the same - I'll call when I'm back at work. The thing is though, I know her car & I have to drive past her workplace every day to take my son to school - so I konw that she is usually back at work at least a few days before she calls. Of course suffering from BPD I automatically take that as rejection, that she's avoiding me.

I know that I am just as capable of calling her as she is of calling me, but it's a matter of principle to me. Stupid I know. A sense of entitlement, I know. But really is it being manipulative or unreasonable to expect her to call when she says she will?

Then we move to the whole because I'm doing DBT, if I self harm before calling for help she isn't meant to have contact with me for 2 days. But surely blind Freddy can see that if I have cut myself then I need support & help. I know that I need to break the cycle of cutting. I am trying my best. But usually I can't think of any alternatives, including phoning for help until after the fact. when I do end up phoning for help, it is usually after a few cuts rather than the hour or more of cutting I can do in one session. Yet that isn't enough to show that I am trying to employ alternative behaviours.

Come to think of it, while I'm talking of the reasons for her to not have contact. I didn't go to my DBT group this week. Maybe that has something to do with it. Although I did phone the group facilitator beforehand & she did tell me that I sounded physically unwell (I had very little voice) so it isn't like they know that I didn't attend because I couldn't deal with what we were doing that day. We were meant to be covering the emotions of fear, sadness and anger, all emotions I do my best to avoid & I knew that at the moment I'm not stable enough to deal with them.

Whatever the reason I'm pissed off right still, nearly 2 days later.

hospitalisation looming again

Contains triggers so if they may trigger you please don't read

I know its coming. If there was a bed there it would have today. I hate that they want you to call for help when you need it yet at the same time the moment you do you aren't coping & need to be hospitalised. It leave me feeling like I have nowhere left to turn.

The cutting has gotten completely out of control again. I constantly need to feel the blade slicing through the flesh. To see the blood dripping from the cuts. Each cut a bit deeper than the last, maybe testing just how deed I can go. It does good though. Each cut momentarily takes away the suicidal thoughts, interrupts the plans I'm continually making.

I knew as soon as I got the call this morning to go & see m psych that it was on the cards. It always is when you get that phone call, particularly when they are arranging for someone to pick you up. I don't want to end up there yet again but at the same time it is a safe haven, the only place that I actually feel safe.

Evil me

So apparently if you look in the dictionary under evil you will find my name. That is according to my SIL anyway. Nice words from she who personifies evil, she who can send photos of my premmie son to friends of hers of the same gestation as he was born at & as he developed to show them how their baby would be growing without my permission. She who stopped my brother coming to visit me on the Christmas day that I was in hospital pregnant & unsure whether or not my baby was going to survive.

I have always hated her. Now I know why. On the plus side, hopefully it will make me think twice before trying to end my life like I so often want to. I want my son to go to live with my best friend if anything happens. Only problem with that is even when that happened at my last hospitalisation there was a huge custody battle between my parents & best friend over him for just a few weeks. As a result my parents now hate my best friend. They want my child to go live with my brother & his bitch of a wife if anything happens to me. No way no how will my son ever go to live under the same roof as her. If I have my way he will never ever see her again.

Apparently I think it's funny that I spend time in psych wards. I trick psychiatrists into thinking I need to be admitted as an involuntary patient so I can go there. She doesn't even know the whole fucking reasons I end up in there. She doesn't know the hell that goes on in my mind every minute of every day. The constant battle to not slice through my flesh that so often gets lost. The battle every night to not go out the back & hang myself. The constant battle against the desire to die & end this life of misery.

I wonder how she would like it if every time she went to bed she could feel his breath on her, smell him, picture the blade of the knife against her neck as he used & abused me. If she could even imagine what it is like to feel the cold of the blade knowing if you talk or scream or make any noise what will happen. how I wish now that I had done something to make him slash my throat. At least then I wouldn't have this life of shit that I'm living now. I wouldn't be the one living the life that has driven right into the ditch.

I hate her. I hate that she has the power to manipulate my brother so he avoids his own family. I hate that she has convinced so many people that I am evil. I hate that she can have such an impact on me when I don't want to give a damn about what she thinks. Heck I don't like her either but I would never have been that nasty to her. Now though she has created war & it will be one that she won't win. I will make sure that I take everything that is important to her at any cost.

Desparate for an out

More than anything else right now I want out. Out of this life. Out of the pain. No need to worry about where the money to feed my child is coming from again. No more trying to stop myself harming myself. I've just had enough. I'm tired. I'm sick of being stuck in a situation I can't get out of. I just want to check out of life.

Life with borderline personality disorder

I have discovered since my diagnosis about 18 months ago that life suffering from BPD is hell. It seems that recovery isn't happening. There is nothing that appears to help stop the self harming, the continual suicidal thoughts, knowing that I'm not good enough for anyone or anything.

My heart breaks for my child. Knowing that he has to grow up with me for a mother, knowing the hell he goes through & that it will only get worse as he gets older & realises what things he thinks of as innocent now are. I've had many people tell me over the past year that I don't deserve him. I agree totally. I don't. But he has no one else. His dad thankfully is not around. It is me & him & noone else. I can only be guided by professionals who assure me he is doing fine. I am regularly being told I am doing well to raise him as well as I am but I don't believe that. I really don't believe I can do well in anything in life.

Life feels helpless much of the time for me. I hate my life with a passion. I want a new life, for this life to be over. This is my outlet. Hoping that by posting here I will find a more healthy way to deal with my raging emotions, to somehow empty my mind of its busyness. I doubt it, but hey anything is worth a try.

It may well be that at times it is graphic, that people would want to grab me & shake sense into me - heck I want to do that to myself if only it would make a difference. I know that people don't care about my self harm. I don't care. But noone else around me other than the mental health professionals I work with know the full extent of it. As with most who suffer BPD, it is my own personal release, one I know I need to find an alternative to. Hopefully in time, rather than talking about what self harm has been done I will be able to talk about the alternatives I have found.

Most of all, hopefully in time when I read back on past entries, hopefully I will be able to see some improvement, that some of this seemingly ridiculous amount of work is helping.