she should know better

My psychologist that is. She was going to be out of the clinic on Friday so instead of an appointment she scheduled me for a phone appointment. Friday came & Friday went - surprise surprise no phone call. She is well aware that I just cannot deal with that happening - afterall it happened only over Easter & I flipped out then. My instinct tells me to call the crisis number I have, where I know she will find out I called. My problem with that, apart from the fact that it is likely to end up with me in hospital gain given my suicidal ideation of late, but I know that it would be doing it out of manipulation, to get her attention, rather than because I am geniunely in crisis.

It really doesn't do anything to help my love/hate relationship with her. Most of the time, she is great. The problem comes about in those times when she isn't there. She is often away from work sick, or on holidays. It seems she has about 12 weeks off a year in holidays. Then there is the sick leave. It happens all too regularly that she is away for a week or more at a time sick. The phone message is always the same - I'll call when I'm back at work. The thing is though, I know her car & I have to drive past her workplace every day to take my son to school - so I konw that she is usually back at work at least a few days before she calls. Of course suffering from BPD I automatically take that as rejection, that she's avoiding me.

I know that I am just as capable of calling her as she is of calling me, but it's a matter of principle to me. Stupid I know. A sense of entitlement, I know. But really is it being manipulative or unreasonable to expect her to call when she says she will?

Then we move to the whole because I'm doing DBT, if I self harm before calling for help she isn't meant to have contact with me for 2 days. But surely blind Freddy can see that if I have cut myself then I need support & help. I know that I need to break the cycle of cutting. I am trying my best. But usually I can't think of any alternatives, including phoning for help until after the fact. when I do end up phoning for help, it is usually after a few cuts rather than the hour or more of cutting I can do in one session. Yet that isn't enough to show that I am trying to employ alternative behaviours.

Come to think of it, while I'm talking of the reasons for her to not have contact. I didn't go to my DBT group this week. Maybe that has something to do with it. Although I did phone the group facilitator beforehand & she did tell me that I sounded physically unwell (I had very little voice) so it isn't like they know that I didn't attend because I couldn't deal with what we were doing that day. We were meant to be covering the emotions of fear, sadness and anger, all emotions I do my best to avoid & I knew that at the moment I'm not stable enough to deal with them.

Whatever the reason I'm pissed off right still, nearly 2 days later.