Evil me

So apparently if you look in the dictionary under evil you will find my name. That is according to my SIL anyway. Nice words from she who personifies evil, she who can send photos of my premmie son to friends of hers of the same gestation as he was born at & as he developed to show them how their baby would be growing without my permission. She who stopped my brother coming to visit me on the Christmas day that I was in hospital pregnant & unsure whether or not my baby was going to survive.

I have always hated her. Now I know why. On the plus side, hopefully it will make me think twice before trying to end my life like I so often want to. I want my son to go to live with my best friend if anything happens. Only problem with that is even when that happened at my last hospitalisation there was a huge custody battle between my parents & best friend over him for just a few weeks. As a result my parents now hate my best friend. They want my child to go live with my brother & his bitch of a wife if anything happens to me. No way no how will my son ever go to live under the same roof as her. If I have my way he will never ever see her again.

Apparently I think it's funny that I spend time in psych wards. I trick psychiatrists into thinking I need to be admitted as an involuntary patient so I can go there. She doesn't even know the whole fucking reasons I end up in there. She doesn't know the hell that goes on in my mind every minute of every day. The constant battle to not slice through my flesh that so often gets lost. The battle every night to not go out the back & hang myself. The constant battle against the desire to die & end this life of misery.

I wonder how she would like it if every time she went to bed she could feel his breath on her, smell him, picture the blade of the knife against her neck as he used & abused me. If she could even imagine what it is like to feel the cold of the blade knowing if you talk or scream or make any noise what will happen. how I wish now that I had done something to make him slash my throat. At least then I wouldn't have this life of shit that I'm living now. I wouldn't be the one living the life that has driven right into the ditch.

I hate her. I hate that she has the power to manipulate my brother so he avoids his own family. I hate that she has convinced so many people that I am evil. I hate that she can have such an impact on me when I don't want to give a damn about what she thinks. Heck I don't like her either but I would never have been that nasty to her. Now though she has created war & it will be one that she won't win. I will make sure that I take everything that is important to her at any cost.