Life with borderline personality disorder

I have discovered since my diagnosis about 18 months ago that life suffering from BPD is hell. It seems that recovery isn't happening. There is nothing that appears to help stop the self harming, the continual suicidal thoughts, knowing that I'm not good enough for anyone or anything.

My heart breaks for my child. Knowing that he has to grow up with me for a mother, knowing the hell he goes through & that it will only get worse as he gets older & realises what things he thinks of as innocent now are. I've had many people tell me over the past year that I don't deserve him. I agree totally. I don't. But he has no one else. His dad thankfully is not around. It is me & him & noone else. I can only be guided by professionals who assure me he is doing fine. I am regularly being told I am doing well to raise him as well as I am but I don't believe that. I really don't believe I can do well in anything in life.

Life feels helpless much of the time for me. I hate my life with a passion. I want a new life, for this life to be over. This is my outlet. Hoping that by posting here I will find a more healthy way to deal with my raging emotions, to somehow empty my mind of its busyness. I doubt it, but hey anything is worth a try.

It may well be that at times it is graphic, that people would want to grab me & shake sense into me - heck I want to do that to myself if only it would make a difference. I know that people don't care about my self harm. I don't care. But noone else around me other than the mental health professionals I work with know the full extent of it. As with most who suffer BPD, it is my own personal release, one I know I need to find an alternative to. Hopefully in time, rather than talking about what self harm has been done I will be able to talk about the alternatives I have found.

Most of all, hopefully in time when I read back on past entries, hopefully I will be able to see some improvement, that some of this seemingly ridiculous amount of work is helping.